Saturday, February 14, 2015
For Future Archaeologists: That Weird Plastic Thing
To future archaeologists digging through the leftovers of the twenty-first century. You are going to run across these items, either intact or in irritating little bits and pieces. Not versed in the ways of our time and with little left in the way of physical documentation AND with our computer technology and files corrupted beyond repair, you find yourself at a loss when looking at this small object from your distant past.
Back in the late twentieth century, archaeologists had tentative identifications for such weird little doodads. If they were from prehistoric sites (you know, the first prehistory, before the histories written by victorious conquering empires) strange objects no one could accurately identify or guess at were listed as "ceremonial objects." Artifacts or pieces of artifacts from historic sites that were not easily identified or found in old Sears catalogs were labeled as "farm implements." All of them were relegated to boxes and stored away with appropriate site numbers in the hopes that some future archaeologists would not be suburbanites or city dwellers and might actually figure out what these things really were.
Now, future archaeologists, here's a little heads up. This plastic, black, several inch long thing is not a ceremonial object. We were not worshiping some form of dead bug. And no, you could neither plant or harvest crops with this, no matter what implement you attached it to.
No, this humble device performed a different function. ... I expect this will be the point at which the file will be corrupted in the future. When you find these in great numbers in those mountainous trash middens we called "landfills" and which you now call those hellholes full of chemical stews never seen in the natural world ... or OW THAT BURNS for short or scattered around the remains of certain buildings, you will now know that these small things were essential to suit dry cleaning. The small hooked portions could fit behind a button, attaching to the thread. The almond-shaped (hope you still have almonds ... if not, well, you don't know what you're missing do you) eye at the right end passes through the eye through which the button passes. This holds a dry cleaned suit together and gives it a sharp impression when it is returned to the owners. Now, as for what a "suit" or "dry cleaner" are, please refer to ... [Here the rest of the file was lost]